I said I would write a post about my grandfather’s funeral. But the truth is, I didn’t go. I tried, but I couldn’t make it.

My mom’s dad passed away earlier this past spring, and I was blessed to be able to fly cross country for that. This time it was my dad’s father who had most recently passed away. It was going to be more tricky to go this time because I wanted my husband with me for this trip. But we had figured out childcare, airline tickets, and even a bus.

But alas, no matter how much you can plan, life doesn’t always work out the way you may have hoped for. If I’m remembering correctly, my surgery was Sept. 15th and my grandpa’s funeral, many states away was Sept. 19th.

Again though, the blessings were there to see. It felt heartbreaking and devastating as I laid in my hospital bed, hooked up to monitors and an IV as I called my grandmother to let her know that she would need to take me off the program, because I wouldn’t be able to help her.

Honestly though, if I was going to have cancer… And if my appendix bursting was going to cause a surgeon to take out that cancer… At least my appendicitis happened at home. I wasn’t on a plane, in an airport, at a funeral thousands of miles from my home hospital, on a cruise ship, or heaven forbid in another country at port.

So even when I was laying in my own bed, watching the funeral services on my phone with an ice pack on my stomach and feeling crummy and a bit sorry for myself. I couldn’t help but also recognize the silver lining in my big, heavy, ragged, and stormy rain cloud. And to add to my gratitude here, at least I got to watch the services from afar. I had a cousin sweet enough to share the get together and made sure listeners could hear the speakers. I live at a time where I can be a bystander even when I wanted so badly to be a part of the celebration of a wonderful and selfless life.

My grandma is like a mom to me and I call her every week to see what she’s up to. She’s feisty, spunky, and one of my best friends. From a physical distance I have been as close as could be on this journey with my grandmother as she has helped her husband and soulmate transition from this world to the next.

I chatted with my grandpa from time to time and asked for advice here and there. But he isn’t one to sit on the phone and chat, but I grew up close to where they lived, I have memories of Sunday dinners and 4th of July fireworks at their home. And I was lucky enough to take my husband and kids to their house more then once.

When my husband and I were still just getting to know each other we spent time playing Dr. Mario in their basement, and when my morning sickness got to be too much and I had to leave our Disney World internship, I stayed at their place until my husband could finish the internship and drive back across the country to take care of me.

My grandparents took care of me, they held my babies, and were willing to learn about autism. I wish I could have been there more for my grandpa in his last days, and I wish I could have held my grandma the day they laid her husband to rest. But sometimes life just doesn’t add up, and it certainly doesn’t always make sense.

Other family members live close to them, have taken care of them, and I’m grateful for their kindness. I’m sorry this post isn’t more uplifting. But I guess you should have expected that going in, knowing what the heading was. But I’m still here to say I’m grateful for those who have taken care of me recently and I’m happy to share that my grandmother had been watched over as well. Hopefully this summer I’ll be able to drive my kiddos out to visit with her. And hopefully things will keep getting better around here and not worse.

For a health update, I had another ultrasound and they said my uterus’ lining is thicker than it should be. It could be cancer, but it could not be too. My next doctor appointment is the first week of Dec. so I’ll try to keep you all posted when I find out more 💜